Monday, March 4, 2013

I am alive...I am back

Firstly I would like to apologize for not blogging in like forever. I have avoided it because I am in treatment for my Eating Disorder and I found this blogging site pretty triggering however I think in reality I have avoided it like I have the Eating Disorder and I am kind of going round in a lack of reality cycle.

I am blogging today to get some raw emotions off my chest. I am very confused and have laid here crying for hours trying to figure stuff out and I wondered if I wrote it down even if it made no sense and got some feedback from you girls, it might help....

It is about self punishment...

I have tried really hard the last month to try and like myself. I have brought new clothes, had a new hair cut, started wearing heels, been putting make up on and today I decided to get gel nail extensions on.

The nails were the last straw....

I got home, looked at my new beautiful nails and thought what am I doing...? I am so STUPID came into my head. I do not DESERVE all these lovely things. I am worth NOTHING. Everything is so nice that they should NOT belong to me.

I take off my make up, I tie my hair back so I can not see it. I want to pick off my nails, give all my new clothes to a charity shop and then I want to punish myself. I want to take a blade to my arm or my leg, cut deep and watch the blood drip on to the bathroom floor. I want to make myself sick - I do not deserve to eat. In fact I want to die. For the first time in a while I have a urge that I need to cry. I try yet the tears won't come out. I try again and its so raw inside the tears do not fall.

Now I wonder if this emotion of self-hate and need of punishment or not deserving anything is to do with my eating disorder, my borderline personality disorder or just a symptom of both of a underlying issue.

Maybe it started from something deep rooted from my childhood of never having anything due to my mum being mentally unwell and poor. Never having nice clothes just things from jumble sales -. Dreading non-school uniform days. Never being allowed baths because there wasn't enough hot water. Never having a 'real' Barbie or many toys. Never EVER having sweets or chocolate. Never having enough food and having to go without and go to sleep hungry. Even Christmas's with missing parts to presents because they were second hand - my mum used to say Father Christmas used to drop parts off his sleigh.

Ok I know I am rattling on here.....I just am lost to why I feel like this and now guessing.

Does anyone else feel like this and have you discovered why you feel like this too?

Any comments appreciated x


  1. Oh sweetheart, this makes me so worried for you. Do you have your boyfriend or your family around to support you right now?
    I can relate to the feelings of not deserving anything, and intense self-loathing. I think, for me, it's an underlying issue linking back to abuse and trauma. Maybe I express it through my ED at the moment.

    Sending you lots of love & hugs sweetheart. You'll be in my thoughts <3 xxxx

  2. I completely understand where you are coming from in this post, since I go through the same thing almost daily...the thinking you don't *deserve* anything, the wanting to self-harm and wanting to cry but not being able to, etc. In my case it has to do with years of bullying and not feeling special enough for my parents.

    Just breath, write, let it all your pain in a productive way like you did here. You're a tough girl!


  3. hi lovely.

    you know, i think we all go through days, weeks, even months feeling like this. no news there. but i see some hope for you! first, you've been able to break through, wearing makeup and so on (a dream of mine :]). maybe it was temporary but so what. we can't expect to get better just like that. relapse is a normal part of recovery. plus, you're reflecting on why you felt down. that's amazing! THIS is how you recover. i really do believe that the ED isn't the underlying problem but the manifestation of the problem. deal with the raw stuff. it's tough, but you're doing it. and i applaud you for that.

    forever <3

  4. Yes. Without even thinking my answer to your question appears in my mind. I think, maybe my sexual abuse was nothing. What's a few years on and off when girls have been brutally raped?
    I didn't deserve some of the few expensive clothes I had because my mom worked hard and sacrificed so that I wouldn't have to feel like even more of an outcast.
    She sacrificed her time so that I could play sports and I wasn't amazing. I did it so I could fit in and she knew that so she tried to help ease my mind a little.
    I don't deserve this or that because of this or that reason. I don't deserve my education because I'm not a genius and all that.
    The thing about this thinking is that there is no end. You will always find yourself undeserving.
    I avoid my faith sometimes because I'm not good enough. Not for me, not for anyone, not for God. He's the last one that I should be worried about being good enough for. No one will ever be "good enough" and that's life. If you don't have any faith or don't even believe in God then what I just want you to get out of this is that you are the best at being you. There is no one like you. Your experiences make you who you are and they allow you to connect and help others suffering from the same thing.
    You have a beautiful heart.
    Hold on to that. We'll remind you when you forget.
    This doesn't last forever love.

  5. Hi Lucie,
    I know exactly how you feel. It makes em sad that you feel that way though. I know what it's like to feel like you don't deserve anything or aren't worth anything, and I know what it feels like to want to die. All I can say is to hang on. Take it all one day at a time. You are a beautiful person, inside and out, and you do deserve to be happy. Just try to believe me and to hold on. It passes, it always does. These things come in waves: overwhelming you, nearly drowning you but, if you hold your breath long enough, they eventually leave you alone. Maybe not forever, but for a little bit, you get some peace. So please, hun, just wait it out a bit.
    Lena xxxx

  6. It will be okay. Next time you feel like this, take a deep breath. Someone told me she expelled those thoughts by looking at herself in the mirror and saying loudly to herself "I like this" about certain body parts and then touching those body parts. Over and over again in the same order until she felt she could control the thoughts.
    You deserve good things as much as any other person, or perhaps more. You're not bad. You don't hurt people for enjoyment. You appreciate the world around you. That is enough to earn you some special treatment from yourself.