I am alive...I am back

Firstly I would like to apologize for not blogging in like forever. I have avoided it because I am in treatment for my Eating Disorder and I found this blogging site pretty triggering however I think in reality I have avoided it like I have the Eating Disorder and I am kind of going round in a lack of reality cycle.

I am blogging today to get some raw emotions off my chest. I am very confused and have laid here crying for hours trying to figure stuff out and I wondered if I wrote it down even if it made no sense and got some feedback from you girls, it might help....

It is about self punishment...

I have tried really hard the last month to try and like myself. I have brought new clothes, had a new hair cut, started wearing heels, been putting make up on and today I decided to get gel nail extensions on.

The nails were the last straw....

I got home, looked at my new beautiful nails and thought what am I doing...? I am so STUPID came into my head. I do not DESERVE all these lovely things. I am worth NOTHING. Everything is so nice that they should NOT belong to me.

I take off my make up, I tie my hair back so I can not see it. I want to pick off my nails, give all my new clothes to a charity shop and then I want to punish myself. I want to take a blade to my arm or my leg, cut deep and watch the blood drip on to the bathroom floor. I want to make myself sick - I do not deserve to eat. In fact I want to die. For the first time in a while I have a urge that I need to cry. I try yet the tears won't come out. I try again and its so raw inside the tears do not fall.

Now I wonder if this emotion of self-hate and need of punishment or not deserving anything is to do with my eating disorder, my borderline personality disorder or just a symptom of both of a underlying issue.

Maybe it started from something deep rooted from my childhood of never having anything due to my mum being mentally unwell and poor. Never having nice clothes just things from jumble sales -. Dreading non-school uniform days. Never being allowed baths because there wasn't enough hot water. Never having a 'real' Barbie or many toys. Never EVER having sweets or chocolate. Never having enough food and having to go without and go to sleep hungry. Even Christmas's with missing parts to presents because they were second hand - my mum used to say Father Christmas used to drop parts off his sleigh.

Ok I know I am rattling on here.....I just am lost to why I feel like this and now guessing.

Does anyone else feel like this and have you discovered why you feel like this too?

Any comments appreciated x

Binging and Purging

I feel frustrated, agitated and anxious today

Its like I am in a trance, I get a takeaway, pizza, chips, full fat coke and a cheesecake. 

I eat the lot

I eat so fast, I don't taste the food

I then purge until I am exhausted

I purge until my body can take no more and I feel faint and dizzy

I failed today....

Decisions!

I have decided that my mental health condition rules and controls me.
Why should I quit my degree because of it?
So I have reconsidered....

I really hope I will make the right decision because the thought of starting it again, worries me sick yet I am so angry with not being able to full fill my dreams because of anxiety and depression.

I brought a self help book yesterday, I read the first chapter and it described someone's typical day as a Bulimic and it hit me for the first time. I have Bulimia.....I do exactly what the book says..... :(