Thank You x

Firstly I would like to say thank you to everyone that read and commented on my last post. I was in a very lost place and I really appreciated it.

Unfortunately things have gone down till from that day and I am feeling very depressed and lonely which I haven't felt in a very long time. I am also using my ED to help me and keep regretting trying to get treatment which I shouldn't be. I think I am scared... if you take my ED away from me and how do I cope with my emotions!? Its pretty scary...

I need to keep myself safe...so I am going to call the ED team tomorrow and see what they suggest. Hmm I hate feeling like this.

xx

I am alive...I am back

Firstly I would like to apologize for not blogging in like forever. I have avoided it because I am in treatment for my Eating Disorder and I found this blogging site pretty triggering however I think in reality I have avoided it like I have the Eating Disorder and I am kind of going round in a lack of reality cycle.

I am blogging today to get some raw emotions off my chest. I am very confused and have laid here crying for hours trying to figure stuff out and I wondered if I wrote it down even if it made no sense and got some feedback from you girls, it might help....

It is about self punishment...

I have tried really hard the last month to try and like myself. I have brought new clothes, had a new hair cut, started wearing heels, been putting make up on and today I decided to get gel nail extensions on.

The nails were the last straw....

I got home, looked at my new beautiful nails and thought what am I doing...? I am so STUPID came into my head. I do not DESERVE all these lovely things. I am worth NOTHING. Everything is so nice that they should NOT belong to me.

I take off my make up, I tie my hair back so I can not see it. I want to pick off my nails, give all my new clothes to a charity shop and then I want to punish myself. I want to take a blade to my arm or my leg, cut deep and watch the blood drip on to the bathroom floor. I want to make myself sick - I do not deserve to eat. In fact I want to die. For the first time in a while I have a urge that I need to cry. I try yet the tears won't come out. I try again and its so raw inside the tears do not fall.

Now I wonder if this emotion of self-hate and need of punishment or not deserving anything is to do with my eating disorder, my borderline personality disorder or just a symptom of both of a underlying issue.

Maybe it started from something deep rooted from my childhood of never having anything due to my mum being mentally unwell and poor. Never having nice clothes just things from jumble sales -. Dreading non-school uniform days. Never being allowed baths because there wasn't enough hot water. Never having a 'real' Barbie or many toys. Never EVER having sweets or chocolate. Never having enough food and having to go without and go to sleep hungry. Even Christmas's with missing parts to presents because they were second hand - my mum used to say Father Christmas used to drop parts off his sleigh.

Ok I know I am rattling on here.....I just am lost to why I feel like this and now guessing.

Does anyone else feel like this and have you discovered why you feel like this too?

Any comments appreciated x

Positive Mind - Negative Body

Last night I didn't sleep because I had a lot on my mind with treatment and possibilities for my future. 

My mental health really deteriorates when I don't sleep and today I have felt pretty rubbish. I have purged but haven't had what medically they would call a binge but have eaten a maybe a bit too much. On the other hand my mind has been in the right place - recovery. So despite my bad behaviour I am still on track and in the right mindset :-)

Decisions!

I have decided that my mental health condition rules and controls me.
Why should I quit my degree because of it?
So I have reconsidered....

I really hope I will make the right decision because the thought of starting it again, worries me sick yet I am so angry with not being able to full fill my dreams because of anxiety and depression.

I brought a self help book yesterday, I read the first chapter and it described someone's typical day as a Bulimic and it hit me for the first time. I have Bulimia.....I do exactly what the book says..... :(

Rah Rah Rah Rah Rah

I deleted the last post of day 6 of my HSGD as I have done so badly today and it was making me angry. I want to be sick yet I can't because I am on watch from my boyfriend.

Just generally had a shit day today, can't figure out this coursework due in on Monday and have taken loads of sedatives because I am so stressed.

So yeah, I am fed up and moody so sorry for the depressing blog post :/

Hopefully tomorrow will be a positive happy one :)

Tears, Therapy and Tablets

I am struggling to write tonight so please excuse any mistakes and muddles.

My brain feels like its dying and unable to function.

I feel so alone in this world. I have so many people around me that love me but no one understands. 

I had therapy today and for the first time tears ran down my face.

My head is telling me to do so many dangerous things but I have been keeping safe with my mummy and my boyfriend.

I just want a cuddle, I want to be a little girl again; hold me in their arms and tell me everything will be okay and protect me from the world.

Poorly Sick

I am so hungry yet the voices in my head won't let me eat
I didn't want to purge but the voices in my head told me to
I feel very poorly today, I feel psychotic, derealization and kinda spaced out.
I went to mummy's and did my beads again. I made a pansy flower which was nice :) Therapy tomorrow, I hope that helps and I hope tomorrow is a better day

Awful Evening

I had such a good day yesterday, it was such a lovely day. Then within the space of about a hour in the evening things started to change. I felt so sad, I wanted to take a overdose and I haven't felt like that in a long long time. I was hearing things, very psychotic and depressed. I had no feelings, I was just totally numb. I took some pericyazine and now I have woken up and I feel really strange and I cannot see properly. I think I have a medication hangover.

Mummy is worried about me so I am going over there today to keep safe and I have packed up my new book and some beads. I made a little mouse last night as my first attempt. Its cute :)

Fed up with being fat

I have had enough.
I have had enough of being fat.
I have had enough of restricting.
I have had enough of binging.
I have had enough of purging.
I am fed up with my lips stinging from being sick and my throat throbbing.
I just want to be perfect :(

Appointments Appointments Appointments

...Firstly I have a mental health appointment this morning. I have decided a few weeks ago to wean myself off one of my medications (the anti-depressant) and I will be honest I feel dreadful. Flu-y, dizzy and really emotional! I had enough of taking so many medications and knew I couldn't come off the anti-psychotic so thought the anti-depressant one had to give. Anyway its going to be fun explaining this to the doctor and link worker this morning - hmmmm

Secondary I did phone the eating disorder clinic. I have a appointment in the new year....a two hour assessment!! I have bulimia but I am overweight and I am worried I wont qualify for any help because I aren't thin enough. My boyfriend thinks its a silly thought as people come in all shapes and sizes and eating disorders can effect anyone but.....I just still have this thought in my head.

Bulimia Poem - THE TRUTH

Its a cycle you can't escape
It all happened age 13 - after the rape

Chanting fills my head and guilt and disgrace
Its degrading when the sick splashes back in your face

Pushing vomit down the shower plug with your toes
Running the taps so nobody knows

Hiding vomit in lunch boxes under your bed
Hoping the pounds will quickly shred

Dirty public toilets degrade you
Your teeth are chipped and see-through

Wetting yourself when your throwing up
The corners of your lips are sore and cut

All that money on food wasted
The food that was never really tasted

You hate this eating disorder, yet you love it so much
Its the only way to cope, its your only clutch

So the Eating Disorder Clinic sent me a letter

The NHS Eating Disorder clinic sent me a letter but I haven't changed my address with my doctors surgery so it went to my parents address and my mum opened it!! She is so nosey its untrue!

Luckily she said I was being sensible about it all and didn't seem concerned at all. I think with my history of self harm, depression, suicidal attempts etc its the least of her worries.

Anyway I have to ring them and make a assessment appointment.....hmmm the question is, I have a love and hate relationship with my eating disorder, do I actually want to get help?

I miss him!

I have been sick so much today. My throat hurts, my eyes are watery and my head hurts. I feel depressed today too and feel numb inside.

My boyfriend has gone to work away this week and I didn't realise how much he makes me happy and keeps me stable.

I hate my borderline personality disorder. It controls me when I am alone.

Procrastination

I am seriously procrastinating over my university degree coursework. I SO do not want to do it! I am SO going to fail at this rate. Instead of doing it, I stress and worry about it and then I punish myself with my eating disorder and then struggle with my mental health. Its stupid really.

LOVE and HATE

My mental health issues are my best friend and my worst enemy. I have a love hate relationship with it.

I hate the days when you can't open your eyes in the morning, when it hurts inside and when it feels like someone has died. You feel lost, scared and worst of all...alone. When the razor blade becomes your best friend and you block anyone else coming into your world.

I love the days when I am really happy, the happiness you can't get when your 'normal'. I always bake a cake, tidy the house and stay up all night....although since I have been put on mood stabilisers they seem to block these days. These days my medication keeps me at a steady place but its not a great one. I aren't happy, I aren't REALLY sad but I am sad. Most days.

Although a therapist once asked me if I had one wish would I use it to become 'normal'. Yet as bad as the bad days are...I would have to say no. The voices are my friends, I can't imagine a head which was blank. The depression is my secret and the anxiety makes me feel alive. I think having Borderline Personality Disorder makes me different.

Down In The Dumps

I have been feeling down in the dumps for a few weeks now. Its so hard just to get dressed and just get up in the mornings. I managed to do some washing and cook a stew and dumplings for my boyfriend this evening. I don't think he realises how much I struggle to do simple things, I think he prob thinks I am lazy. I really cannot help it though, every night I tell myself to try harder but I seem to fail daily. I am going to up some of my medication tomorrow, was told to do it ages ago but haven't wanted to.

Numbness

Feeling a bit numb today. My boyfriend asked how I was feeling but I didn't want to burden him with all my problems. Just feel a bit depressed and lack of emotion and empathy. Might see how I am tomorrow and up my antidepressant if needed.

Lost two pounds at Weight Watchers last night, rather happy about that. I really want to loose another 2 pounds for next week, then I get my shinny 7 sticker for a half a stone so far.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Everyone thinks I am all better, the cuts have gone, the tears have stopped and the depression is a distant memory

What everyone doesn't realize is that I still have Borderline Personality Disorder...

I am just an expert at hiding it...