I start proper therapy Wednesday

I start proper therapy on Wednesday...yet I have put on so much weight from binging the last few weeks I just want to diet if I am honest. Its a tough one...in fact its confusing me. I keep binging so badly I am scared to admit I have put on approximately 7lbs - woah! I can really notice it too. I am not being sick to the ratio of what I am eating and even so, as I have learnt in pre-therapy being sick doesn't get rid of even half the calories.
So what am I going to do about it? I am going to go along to therapy but this sounds terrible but when they weigh you each week I want them to be shocked I am loosing weight. But then again I am only cheating myself. Ugh....I am so confused.

Positive Mind - Negative Body

Last night I didn't sleep because I had a lot on my mind with treatment and possibilities for my future. 

My mental health really deteriorates when I don't sleep and today I have felt pretty rubbish. I have purged but haven't had what medically they would call a binge but have eaten a maybe a bit too much. On the other hand my mind has been in the right place - recovery. So despite my bad behaviour I am still on track and in the right mindset :-)

Recovery isn't easy

Recovery isn't going as well as I had planned, and I have looked at the same number on the scales for weeks now. I need to up my game a bit, I need to stop binging, stop purging and start loosing some pounds. I am getting pretty cross with myself at the moment. Its so frustrating, I look at the toilet and think 'I should not be doing this' but I still make myself sick! I then go downstairs and binge again! The cycle repeats and I just get more and more exhausted and fed up with myself.

I have literally decided I am not coming out of this bedroom the rest of tonight, I am going to stay here to avoid the bathroom and the kitchen. If I get a urge I am going to sleep. Looking forward to my boyfriend coming home, at least I won't binge as much.

Recovery! Meal Plans! Course!

First steps for recovery today. I have written out a meal plan and I must try to stick to it to avoid binges and effectively stops me being sick so much. It's bloody hard though....

I go to a Eating Disorder self harm minimisation course on Thursday. I am unsure what to expect? Anyone else ever been on one of these? Its a pre-course before proper therapy happens.

Binging and Purging

I feel frustrated, agitated and anxious today

Its like I am in a trance, I get a takeaway, pizza, chips, full fat coke and a cheesecake. 

I eat the lot

I eat so fast, I don't taste the food

I then purge until I am exhausted

I purge until my body can take no more and I feel faint and dizzy

I failed today....

All I Can Think About.....

All I can think about is food, food, more food, calories, my eating disorder, purging, binging and so on....

Its completely absorbed me and I am finding it distressing and hard to deal with.

I feel so alone too. No one understands me :( 

Mixed Emotions!?

I went to group therapy tonight run by a eating disorder charity. I got there and waited nervously and no one else with eating disorders turned up :/

The lady that organised it also organises a group for carers too at the same time and invited me to join it. It was really interesting to see what we put our loved ones through. One set of parents were so stupid, thinking their daughter would just get over it. They were deeply worried and concerned but they just couldn't understand and were making things worse for their daughter. I decided to talk up and shared my story and gave everyone tips on how to talk to their loved ones and handle some of the situations they brought up.

At the end everyone thanked me including the lady that organises the groups. They said I was a asset to the group and they all had learnt something.

I was left feeling uplifted, and like I had made a difference but it had not really helped me as such. I had admitted I had a eating disorder and doing so it came at a price. The high lasted around a hour and then I felt strange and vulnerable - so I binged....I messed up the HSGD and ended up being sick.

I don't know what I think or feel now. I am so confused.....?

I have a confession to make to everyone....

I have a confession to make....

I am a obese bulimia suffer and I haven't admitted it apart from to Nina of the Night because I have been worried that I will be judged and not be able to be part of this lovely community. I put on all my weight due to a abusive relationship, a nervous breakdown and a lot of medication for my BPD. I went up to 196lbs (eeeeek can not believe I have actually admitted this now) but I am now 176lbs so I am getting back down to the weight I was. I hope nobody judges me, eating disorders can effect anyone and any shape of size yet I can't quite accept this hence my delay getting therapy and being worried about going to the self help group and eating disorder assessment next month. Do you think they will still help me?

I have binged and been sick so many times today I have lost count and my throat hurts like hell.
I am kind of fed up with it today :( I just want to stop, its so frustrating. I find I am worse when I am left by myself too.

Blood

Today I have been feeling a lot better. I have felt more with it and not psychotic. I haven't wanted to hurt myself so many times either.
I had a problem this evening, I went to be sick and my body just rejected it. Nothing would come out and my throat hurt so much. Blood splashed in the toilet and I felt scared. My lips cracked and sore too.

:(

My boyfriend just left to go to work and I rushed to the cupboards. I could not stop eating, its like its addictive. I then rushed to the toilet and purged until the calmness and dizziness rushes through me.

I am now sitting here feeling a mixture of emotions - guilt, a failure but also calmness and contentment.

I am joining a group in the new year from a eating disorder charity. I am quite nervous about the journey I am making to recovery. Am I really ready? Or will I never be ready though?

Fed up with being fat

I have had enough.
I have had enough of being fat.
I have had enough of restricting.
I have had enough of binging.
I have had enough of purging.
I am fed up with my lips stinging from being sick and my throat throbbing.
I just want to be perfect :(

Bulimia Poem - THE TRUTH

Its a cycle you can't escape
It all happened age 13 - after the rape

Chanting fills my head and guilt and disgrace
Its degrading when the sick splashes back in your face

Pushing vomit down the shower plug with your toes
Running the taps so nobody knows

Hiding vomit in lunch boxes under your bed
Hoping the pounds will quickly shred

Dirty public toilets degrade you
Your teeth are chipped and see-through

Wetting yourself when your throwing up
The corners of your lips are sore and cut

All that money on food wasted
The food that was never really tasted

You hate this eating disorder, yet you love it so much
Its the only way to cope, its your only clutch

I miss him!

I have been sick so much today. My throat hurts, my eyes are watery and my head hurts. I feel depressed today too and feel numb inside.

My boyfriend has gone to work away this week and I didn't realise how much he makes me happy and keeps me stable.

I hate my borderline personality disorder. It controls me when I am alone.

Lost

I have lost a pound already on my new diet :) I will be honest, I did over a bit yesterday on my calorie allowance because fruit and veg was making my tummy feel all funny and had to eat something substantial so I had some crackers and a mini pitta bread. I am on 250 calories today plus unlimited fruit and veg. I arent sure how I am going to manage but I am going to try my hardest. 

Sorry :/

Hello and firstly I am sorry I haven't blogged for a while. I am back though :)
I haven't really eaten well recently. I went out last night and drank loads of cocktails which are hundreds of calories!! I need to get focused and motivated again starting tomorrow. My boyfriend is going away for a few days so I can really focus being on my own although I am going to miss him a lot. I had a rubbish day yesterday, went shopping for a dress and couldn't find anything that looked nice. I cried on the way home and to make things worse I saw my boyfriends ex girlfriend for the first time and she was so thin. I feel disgusting.
I have Weight Watchers on Wednesday and I have put on a few pounds so need to get back the same or less before weigh in. Anyone got any good diets for quick weight loss?

Rah Rah Rah - Rant

I am such a fat fuck!
I mean since I have posted I have eaten a pitta bread and another bread muffin with jam. I am so angry with myself.
Food seems to play on my mind all the time especially when I am bored.
I've truely had enough with myself. No wonder why I look so disgusting!
Last week I didn't eat hardly anything, fainted whilst shopping because I had so little energy. Where as this week I have eaten everything!!
I need some motivation....anyone got any ideas?

Unplanned Day

I haven't really had the day I was expecting...
I had a reasonable breakfast - a breakfast muffin with marmalade
For lunch we took my boyfriends little brother for a carvery. I chose not to have any meat, I had a plate of vegetables but that included 3 roast potatoes, 2 massive yorkshire puddings and vegetable gravy. For afters we stopped at Mc Donald's and I had the KitKat Mc Flurry.
I am not going to eat dinner but I have certainly had more calories then I planned today. Does anyone know roughly how many?

Binge

I am so angry with myself. I want to be sick but I can't without my boyfriend hearing so I am laying in bed sulking that I have had a shit day.

I have eaten:-

Breakfast - 2 bits of toast and butter
Lunch - A ice lolly
Dinner - Cheese pasta with roasted vegetables, 2 slices of bread
Snacks - Half a big bar of Galaxy chocolate, pitta bread with butter, half a bag of sweets and loads of Ritz crackers

Ugh...