I start proper therapy Wednesday

I start proper therapy on Wednesday...yet I have put on so much weight from binging the last few weeks I just want to diet if I am honest. Its a tough one...in fact its confusing me. I keep binging so badly I am scared to admit I have put on approximately 7lbs - woah! I can really notice it too. I am not being sick to the ratio of what I am eating and even so, as I have learnt in pre-therapy being sick doesn't get rid of even half the calories.
So what am I going to do about it? I am going to go along to therapy but this sounds terrible but when they weigh you each week I want them to be shocked I am loosing weight. But then again I am only cheating myself. Ugh....I am so confused.

Stressed and Anxious About Recovery

So I started reading my new book last night 'Overcoming Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating'. It seems so simple, you just do each step and concentrate on fulfilling one step at a time even if a step takes a month or so. Putting it in practice is a nightmare however.....I am nervous, anxious and frustrated.

First step is to only weigh myself once a week - ARGH! and make up a recovery book. Inside the first step you make a table and fill it out with everything you eat/drink, the time and place, how you feel, your thoughts and if you thought it was excessive or purged etc.

The initial step I suppose isn't too hard because it doesn't matter if you binge/vomit etc as long as you record it. Recording it is when it gets hard....I want it to be perfect and having three pieces of bread with my carrot and coriander soup I felt was excessive following by a Weight Watchers chocolate mini roll. I hated having to write a 'V' every time I vomit too. Its like writing failure over and over again. Rah Rah Rah Rant Over...! - Sorry girls :/

HSGD Day Five

Yes! I have lost a pound :) well maybe even two but it depends if I take my pyjama bottoms off or not. Today I am going to upload a photo of everything I eat to motivate me not to binge...so here goes...

Breakfast - Mini wheatabix in semi-skimmed milk (200 cals) and a banana (free)
Lunch - Plain wrap (187 cals), salad (free) and small amount of cheese (50 cals) and a chocolate mousse (118 cals)
Snacks - Pear (free) and strawberry flakes with a yogurt coating (121 cals)
Dinner - 1 egg (92) on 2 slices of toast (186 cals) with a Weight Watchers mini roll (87 cals) - sorry no photo, I forgot!

Total - 1041 Oh bum! I have gone over but I haven't binged or purged so I think its still be a successful day :)

Nervous :3

I am about to leave in a hour to go to my first group eating disorders meeting. I am SO nervous its untrue! Nervous I will be judged, worried that I will be told to leave because I am too fat, anxious I might say the wrong thing.....the list is endless. I thought about going to the city and then pretending to go and then sitting in a coffee shop. I would be just cheating myself though....plus I would disappoint everyone.....

I have a confession to make to everyone....

I have a confession to make....

I am a obese bulimia suffer and I haven't admitted it apart from to Nina of the Night because I have been worried that I will be judged and not be able to be part of this lovely community. I put on all my weight due to a abusive relationship, a nervous breakdown and a lot of medication for my BPD. I went up to 196lbs (eeeeek can not believe I have actually admitted this now) but I am now 176lbs so I am getting back down to the weight I was. I hope nobody judges me, eating disorders can effect anyone and any shape of size yet I can't quite accept this hence my delay getting therapy and being worried about going to the self help group and eating disorder assessment next month. Do you think they will still help me?

I have binged and been sick so many times today I have lost count and my throat hurts like hell.
I am kind of fed up with it today :( I just want to stop, its so frustrating. I find I am worse when I am left by myself too.

Pub

Had a nice day today with my boyfriend. We went into some pubs in town and played pool and darts. I am totally useless. Obviously my boyfriend won every game! I drank diet coke all night too so was a good girl but I did have some chips on the way home however didn't eat the whole portion. We also brought New Years Eve tickets at our local pub too which I am looking forward to.

Same number appears on the scales every morning at the moment. Its frustrating! I just want a new number....obviously not a bigger one. Got weight watchers on Wednesday too and I SO want to loose this week. Fingers crossed! I might have two days of eating fruit, vegetables, smoothies and salad.

:(

My boyfriend just left to go to work and I rushed to the cupboards. I could not stop eating, its like its addictive. I then rushed to the toilet and purged until the calmness and dizziness rushes through me.

I am now sitting here feeling a mixture of emotions - guilt, a failure but also calmness and contentment.

I am joining a group in the new year from a eating disorder charity. I am quite nervous about the journey I am making to recovery. Am I really ready? Or will I never be ready though?

Fed up with being fat

I have had enough.
I have had enough of being fat.
I have had enough of restricting.
I have had enough of binging.
I have had enough of purging.
I am fed up with my lips stinging from being sick and my throat throbbing.
I just want to be perfect :(

Bulimia Poem - THE TRUTH

Its a cycle you can't escape
It all happened age 13 - after the rape

Chanting fills my head and guilt and disgrace
Its degrading when the sick splashes back in your face

Pushing vomit down the shower plug with your toes
Running the taps so nobody knows

Hiding vomit in lunch boxes under your bed
Hoping the pounds will quickly shred

Dirty public toilets degrade you
Your teeth are chipped and see-through

Wetting yourself when your throwing up
The corners of your lips are sore and cut

All that money on food wasted
The food that was never really tasted

You hate this eating disorder, yet you love it so much
Its the only way to cope, its your only clutch

Yipee!

I lost 2lbs at Weight Watchers tonight and got my 5% loss of my body weight award. I am so proud.

My boyfriend is coming home tomorrow too! I am so excited. I am going to tidy the house and make everything really nice, light some candles and make it all homely. I am also going to scrub up and put some makeup on and do my hair :)

Loopy Lucie's New Diet - Join Me?

So it's a new day and a new start to shift some pounds before Christmas.

I wanted to do the ABC diet but realistically I wouldn't be able to do it on so little calories and end up binging and purging so I have developed my own diet. The calories will be for things like pasta to bulk up the unlimited fruit and veg. This diet will only be for a week as a detox only! Detox's are usually only fruit and veg but realistically we all need some protein/carbs to function.

Day One - 500 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Two - 250 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg  at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Three - 0 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Four - 500 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Five - 250 calories + unlimited fruit  + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Six - 0 calories  + unlimited fruit  + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Seven - 500 calories + unlimited fruit  + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet

Would anyone like to join me? I will update my progress daily :) x

It's a NEW day!

Morning followers :) Yes! Its a new day and you can make it a perfect day. I am quite excited because I have promised myself not to binge or purge but to have a good day.

I got on the scales this morning and I am the same, so yesterday didn't do too much damage.

Thank you for all your comments yesterday, you have inspired me to start again today :D xx

Eggs

...So I went to Weight Watchers last night and I didn't gain or loose, just stayed the same weight. I felt really sick afterwards and made myself sick when I got home. It really upset my boyfriend and I promised him I would try harder today.

This morning I had a egg on toast which was yummy and then we went to a local pub and I had a pasta dish and then we walked on the beach. It was lovely, holding hands on the beach always reminds me how much I love my boyfriend and I really want to make him proud so I haven't been sick after my food, although I feel very full and bloaty.

Tummy Feels Lovely

Haven't been sick today and to be honest my tummy feels so much better since I haven't the last 48 hours. I have no headache, no tummy ache and I am quite happy today. I have realised that if I just restrict on what I eat I don't have to be sick so much because I won't feel such a fat fuck.

Bit nervous today because I have weight watchers tonight and I am worried that the scales will not reflect the pain I have been through this week. I really hope I loose...

Collasped and Sick of being Sick

I am so sick of being sick. I fainted in the chemist in the local shopping mall. I was taken in a first aid room and asked a billion questions about my food habits. Eventually when I got picked up by my boyfriend he was really upset with me for being sick so much today. We  had a bit of a argument but then he came round and was really nice and we sat and ate together, little bits at a time. I felt so safe and for the first time not alone. I really needed it.

I am so tired, stressed out from my degree and run down. My throat hurts from purging and my glands are up. I feel headachey, dizzy and to be honest dreadful all to then see somehow I have gained a pound on the scales!!?? I give up, I wish I wasn't such a fat fuck yet I cant bring myself to throw up today because I am in so much pain and I don't want to upset the boyfriend because I love him so much.