I start proper therapy Wednesday

I start proper therapy on Wednesday...yet I have put on so much weight from binging the last few weeks I just want to diet if I am honest. Its a tough one...in fact its confusing me. I keep binging so badly I am scared to admit I have put on approximately 7lbs - woah! I can really notice it too. I am not being sick to the ratio of what I am eating and even so, as I have learnt in pre-therapy being sick doesn't get rid of even half the calories.
So what am I going to do about it? I am going to go along to therapy but this sounds terrible but when they weigh you each week I want them to be shocked I am loosing weight. But then again I am only cheating myself. Ugh....I am so confused.

Thank You x

Firstly I would like to say thank you to everyone that read and commented on my last post. I was in a very lost place and I really appreciated it.

Unfortunately things have gone down till from that day and I am feeling very depressed and lonely which I haven't felt in a very long time. I am also using my ED to help me and keep regretting trying to get treatment which I shouldn't be. I think I am scared... if you take my ED away from me and how do I cope with my emotions!? Its pretty scary...

I need to keep myself safe...so I am going to call the ED team tomorrow and see what they suggest. Hmm I hate feeling like this.

xx

I am alive...I am back

Firstly I would like to apologize for not blogging in like forever. I have avoided it because I am in treatment for my Eating Disorder and I found this blogging site pretty triggering however I think in reality I have avoided it like I have the Eating Disorder and I am kind of going round in a lack of reality cycle.

I am blogging today to get some raw emotions off my chest. I am very confused and have laid here crying for hours trying to figure stuff out and I wondered if I wrote it down even if it made no sense and got some feedback from you girls, it might help....

It is about self punishment...

I have tried really hard the last month to try and like myself. I have brought new clothes, had a new hair cut, started wearing heels, been putting make up on and today I decided to get gel nail extensions on.

The nails were the last straw....

I got home, looked at my new beautiful nails and thought what am I doing...? I am so STUPID came into my head. I do not DESERVE all these lovely things. I am worth NOTHING. Everything is so nice that they should NOT belong to me.

I take off my make up, I tie my hair back so I can not see it. I want to pick off my nails, give all my new clothes to a charity shop and then I want to punish myself. I want to take a blade to my arm or my leg, cut deep and watch the blood drip on to the bathroom floor. I want to make myself sick - I do not deserve to eat. In fact I want to die. For the first time in a while I have a urge that I need to cry. I try yet the tears won't come out. I try again and its so raw inside the tears do not fall.

Now I wonder if this emotion of self-hate and need of punishment or not deserving anything is to do with my eating disorder, my borderline personality disorder or just a symptom of both of a underlying issue.

Maybe it started from something deep rooted from my childhood of never having anything due to my mum being mentally unwell and poor. Never having nice clothes just things from jumble sales -. Dreading non-school uniform days. Never being allowed baths because there wasn't enough hot water. Never having a 'real' Barbie or many toys. Never EVER having sweets or chocolate. Never having enough food and having to go without and go to sleep hungry. Even Christmas's with missing parts to presents because they were second hand - my mum used to say Father Christmas used to drop parts off his sleigh.

Ok I know I am rattling on here.....I just am lost to why I feel like this and now guessing.

Does anyone else feel like this and have you discovered why you feel like this too?

Any comments appreciated x

Recovery Book

I brought a day a page diary yesterday and it was a bit boring on the front so customized it a bit :) I am going to face my fears and write down what I am eating and doing and thinking at the time. Hoping I might see a pattern to my disordered thinking :)

Positive Mind - Negative Body

Last night I didn't sleep because I had a lot on my mind with treatment and possibilities for my future. 

My mental health really deteriorates when I don't sleep and today I have felt pretty rubbish. I have purged but haven't had what medically they would call a binge but have eaten a maybe a bit too much. On the other hand my mind has been in the right place - recovery. So despite my bad behaviour I am still on track and in the right mindset :-)

Yippee!

Wow what a day!
I went to the eating disorder group and it's made me so positive and encouraged about making a step to recovery.
I learnt loads I didn't know about eating disorders and really made me think about my future. I do want to recover and I learnt that 'relapses' and 'lapses' are normal and all part of the progress. Made me feel not such a failure. I start individual therapy/group therapies after this course finishes. I DO want to DO this!!

Recovery isn't easy

Recovery isn't going as well as I had planned, and I have looked at the same number on the scales for weeks now. I need to up my game a bit, I need to stop binging, stop purging and start loosing some pounds. I am getting pretty cross with myself at the moment. Its so frustrating, I look at the toilet and think 'I should not be doing this' but I still make myself sick! I then go downstairs and binge again! The cycle repeats and I just get more and more exhausted and fed up with myself.

I have literally decided I am not coming out of this bedroom the rest of tonight, I am going to stay here to avoid the bathroom and the kitchen. If I get a urge I am going to sleep. Looking forward to my boyfriend coming home, at least I won't binge as much.

Recovery! Meal Plans! Course!

First steps for recovery today. I have written out a meal plan and I must try to stick to it to avoid binges and effectively stops me being sick so much. It's bloody hard though....

I go to a Eating Disorder self harm minimisation course on Thursday. I am unsure what to expect? Anyone else ever been on one of these? Its a pre-course before proper therapy happens.

Wall Art

I have decided to start making my home more individual and homely so did this today for my bedroom with vintage buttons :) what do you girls think? X

Binging and Purging

I feel frustrated, agitated and anxious today

Its like I am in a trance, I get a takeaway, pizza, chips, full fat coke and a cheesecake. 

I eat the lot

I eat so fast, I don't taste the food

I then purge until I am exhausted

I purge until my body can take no more and I feel faint and dizzy

I failed today....

Annoying Book

I've got frustrated with my recovery book. It keeps looking at me and my head is chanting that I need to get rid of it. I so want to give up already. I have eaten so much today and it written down in pen makes it so real. Makes me realise I am so fat :(

Good news is I have a interview for a new voluntary placement in a old people's care home organising activities. Yay! Quite looking forward to that.

Stressed and Anxious About Recovery

So I started reading my new book last night 'Overcoming Bulimia Nervosa and Binge-Eating'. It seems so simple, you just do each step and concentrate on fulfilling one step at a time even if a step takes a month or so. Putting it in practice is a nightmare however.....I am nervous, anxious and frustrated.

First step is to only weigh myself once a week - ARGH! and make up a recovery book. Inside the first step you make a table and fill it out with everything you eat/drink, the time and place, how you feel, your thoughts and if you thought it was excessive or purged etc.

The initial step I suppose isn't too hard because it doesn't matter if you binge/vomit etc as long as you record it. Recording it is when it gets hard....I want it to be perfect and having three pieces of bread with my carrot and coriander soup I felt was excessive following by a Weight Watchers chocolate mini roll. I hated having to write a 'V' every time I vomit too. Its like writing failure over and over again. Rah Rah Rah Rant Over...! - Sorry girls :/

Decisions!

I have decided that my mental health condition rules and controls me.
Why should I quit my degree because of it?
So I have reconsidered....

I really hope I will make the right decision because the thought of starting it again, worries me sick yet I am so angry with not being able to full fill my dreams because of anxiety and depression.

I brought a self help book yesterday, I read the first chapter and it described someone's typical day as a Bulimic and it hit me for the first time. I have Bulimia.....I do exactly what the book says..... :(

Haven't been blogging much...

...I don't know why I haven't been blogging much but I feel really bad for not seeing how everyone is getting on and commenting - so sorry! Now going to see how you all are :-)

Things haven't been too bad the last few days, I haven't binged as such nor been sick. My boyfriend has been away all week and I have surprised myself and coped okay. I have had my moments but on the whole I am pleased I have been more stable then usual.

Its so cold

It was minus 13 last night where I live and we have loads of snow. I feel sorry for my bunny so I put her in her old indoor cage in the shed as her hutch doesn't fit in the shed. I hope she will be okay, at least in the shed she wont get the cold winds. 

This is her normal hutch and fudgey 

This is new temporary home till the cold weather passes

    

New Hair Cut - What does everyone think?

A New Label - Bulimic

I am used to labels with my extensive mental health history so today's eating disorder assessment label wasn't a shock. I have been diagnosed officially with Bulimia and am going to do treatment from next month.
I don't know quite how I feel....?

Hello Everyone

Hello and I am sorry I haven't blogged in so long.
My boyfriend has gone away for a week to work and I am left to my own devices. Its the first day and I am not coping overally well. I keep purging...
I have my eating disorder assessment tomorrow and I am really nervous.
How is everyone? Lots of Love xx

Bunny Munched My Phone Charger

Bunny munched my phone charger so I went to the supermarket to buy a new one.
Whilst I was in there I decided to buy my lunch. Usually not a problem...but everything I picked up that looked nice had too many calories in it and I started to panic.
I felt my chest get tight and the bright supermarket lights started to dazzle me.
I must of been in there a hour just walking around, picking things up, putting things back and so on...
I ended up buying, 3 apples, bananas, 3 pears, corn on the cob and a courgette.

I aren't following the HSGD any more (sorry to the people doing it with me) but at the moment, trying to aim to a certain amount of calories I am finding hard being over or under and punishing myself.

Quitting...

Today has been a difficult one.
I have made a decision to quit my degree because the stress is too much with my mental health,
I have fallen out with a close friend who wasn't practically nice to me about it,
I have had a panic attack,
And generally felt pretty rubbish about myself as I feel like a failure.

I think the plan is.....

I quit my degree
I do more voluntary work but locally (possibility of a activities support worker in a old peoples home)
Do short art courses in future not degrees!!

P.S. Sorry for all the negativity recently! I just need to let it out by writting but I am sorry you all read it xx

New Start

I will be honest, I aren't doing very well on this HSGD. I am so consumed about calories, I keep over eating and going over slightly, then feeling guilty and rubbish.

I am sorry for my post last night, I am really stressed out if I am honest at the moment. I have this piece of coursework due in tomorrow and I don't even understand it for a start.

Need to think positively though and see today as a new start. Make a to-do list and keep taking photographs of what I am eating as this does motivate me :)

Thank you girlies for everything, your all so amazing and I so appreciate your comments. Lots of Lucie Love xx

Rah Rah Rah Rah Rah

I deleted the last post of day 6 of my HSGD as I have done so badly today and it was making me angry. I want to be sick yet I can't because I am on watch from my boyfriend.

Just generally had a shit day today, can't figure out this coursework due in on Monday and have taken loads of sedatives because I am so stressed.

So yeah, I am fed up and moody so sorry for the depressing blog post :/

Hopefully tomorrow will be a positive happy one :)

HSGD Day Five

Yes! I have lost a pound :) well maybe even two but it depends if I take my pyjama bottoms off or not. Today I am going to upload a photo of everything I eat to motivate me not to binge...so here goes...

Breakfast - Mini wheatabix in semi-skimmed milk (200 cals) and a banana (free)
Lunch - Plain wrap (187 cals), salad (free) and small amount of cheese (50 cals) and a chocolate mousse (118 cals)
Snacks - Pear (free) and strawberry flakes with a yogurt coating (121 cals)
Dinner - 1 egg (92) on 2 slices of toast (186 cals) with a Weight Watchers mini roll (87 cals) - sorry no photo, I forgot!

Total - 1041 Oh bum! I have gone over but I haven't binged or purged so I think its still be a successful day :)

All I Can Think About.....

All I can think about is food, food, more food, calories, my eating disorder, purging, binging and so on....

Its completely absorbed me and I am finding it distressing and hard to deal with.

I feel so alone too. No one understands me :( 

Mixed Emotions!?

I went to group therapy tonight run by a eating disorder charity. I got there and waited nervously and no one else with eating disorders turned up :/

The lady that organised it also organises a group for carers too at the same time and invited me to join it. It was really interesting to see what we put our loved ones through. One set of parents were so stupid, thinking their daughter would just get over it. They were deeply worried and concerned but they just couldn't understand and were making things worse for their daughter. I decided to talk up and shared my story and gave everyone tips on how to talk to their loved ones and handle some of the situations they brought up.

At the end everyone thanked me including the lady that organises the groups. They said I was a asset to the group and they all had learnt something.

I was left feeling uplifted, and like I had made a difference but it had not really helped me as such. I had admitted I had a eating disorder and doing so it came at a price. The high lasted around a hour and then I felt strange and vulnerable - so I binged....I messed up the HSGD and ended up being sick.

I don't know what I think or feel now. I am so confused.....?

HSGD Day Three

I missed a day so I am on Day Three of the HSGD and I am allowed 900 calories and unlimited fruit and vegetables.

So today's intake (so far) -

Breakfast - One slice of bread toasted (169 calories) with a egg (88 calories)
Lunch - A tortilla wrap (182 calories) - I know its strange to eat it plain but I love them!
Dinner - 1/2 ricotta cheese and spinach pizza (397 calories)

Total so far - 836 calories

Nervous :3

I am about to leave in a hour to go to my first group eating disorders meeting. I am SO nervous its untrue! Nervous I will be judged, worried that I will be told to leave because I am too fat, anxious I might say the wrong thing.....the list is endless. I thought about going to the city and then pretending to go and then sitting in a coffee shop. I would be just cheating myself though....plus I would disappoint everyone.....

Day One on the HSGD

Day One on the HSGD (Allowed unlimited fruit and vegetables plus 900 calories)


Breakfast - Porridge with semi skimmed milk (225 calories)

Lunch - Tortilla Wrap (183 calories) with salad (free) and Tortilla chips (244 calories)

Dinner - Two sesame burger buns (320 calories) and Apple (free)

Total = 972 calories

Purged = Twice

Not ill enough?

I received my eating disorder clinic questionable in the post today prior to assessment. I feel lost, I can not concentrate to even fill it in. I feel I am not worthy to go and get help, I feel I am being silly and wasting their time and I feel I am not ill enough to fill in these questions....

Tomorrow I have a group meeting too for people with eating disorders. Again I don't feel ill enough to go. Will I be judged because of my weight? Am I just going to please my boyfriend and mummy?

My head is all jumbled :(

Happy New Year

I made up with my boyfriend. I think thinking back I might of been over sensitive and took what he said the wrong way totally. Anyway, its New Years night and me and my boyfriend was meant to go out to our local pub but we so couldn't be bothered to go out and drink. So at 23 years old I am spending New Years eve at home like a old person hehe.

So Happy New Year Girlies :) xx

Feeling Strong - I Think....

I have realised I think I rely on my boyfriend too much for my emotional needs and to keep me stable so I am going to be strong and try and sort things out myself.

I have a group therapy thing Wednesday for eating disorders eeeeek. Its the same time as Weight Watchers and I would rather go to WW to be honest. I really don't think I am ready for recovery the more I think about it.

I am starting the HSGD today too. I am about to make myself a fruit smoothie for breakfast. I am going to update you girls on how I am getting on daily :)

Just wanted to thank everyone for their lovely supportive comments, I really don't know how I would cope without you all :) Lots of Love, Lucie xx

:(

I have fallen out with my boyfriend. So I am downstairs on the sofa and he is in the bed. I am devastated because we usually get on so well :( He wouldn't show any affection earlier and said he only wanted sex....!!? I was so hurt, I really needed a cuddle because I wanted to be sick and couldn't deal with my emotions. Instead I laid there with my childhood comfort blanket and cried quietly so he couldn't hear. I then texted him to come and see me to 'talk' because I was sad. He just ignored it....so obviously doesn't want to make up.

Tomorrow (or today I should say as its 1.30am) I am going to sort myself out. I need to restrict, I am going to the HSGD. I hate myself so much. Right now I am feeling so empty. I didn't realize how my boyfriend makes me feel safe and complete. I just want to cut my arms but I know I will regret this in the morning....

Christmas Sale Shopping

I ventured out again with my mummy to the sales after yesterdays disaster and not let it beat me. I got some really good bargains :)

Before I start I brought these shoes for £10 yesterday



I got these pretty ballet pumps for £8.

I got these shoes for going out for meals/cinema etc in for £5.



I got two cardigans one navy blue and one red (I can't find a picture for these) for £10 each.

I then got this gorgeous night dress for £20 however it doesn't look as good as it does on me compared to the model :(



I struggle to find bras that fit me because I am a G cup and they end up being a fortune however managed to get two bras for £12 each and matching knickers too. I could only find one picture of one of the underwear sets unfortunately. The other one is nicer!



I haven't had a good day at eating better today. In fact its been pretty terrible. I really want to start the HSGD (Healthy Skinny Girl Diet) tomorrow. If anyone would like to join me let me know :) You can unlimited fruit and vegetables too which is good xx

Truely Rubbish Day

I had a truly rubbish day. I went into the city with my boyfriend to spend my Christmas money. My mental health hadn't been overally good but it was manageable until I started trying on some jeans and the voices started.

'Your so fat, no one loves you, your useless and pathetic you fat cunt, go on slit your wrists, kill yourself'

I spent the rest of the afternoon trying to not cry as they started to gang up on me. I am trying to keep myself busy but all I want to do is self harm, be sick and bang my head against the wall. I don't want them to control me anymore though. I want to be strong.

Restricting Starts Tomorrow...

The Christmas period has finished and I am still eating all the left over chocolate and sweets. I feel so fat and bloated and generally feeling unwell. Going to start a new tomorrow :-) I have a good time during Christmas but now is time to get back to the real world. Need to loose all this weight before summer time. Yay!

Wooly Owl

I used wool and a needle to punch it into shape to create this little owl this evening :-) Sorry I haven't commented on many of your blog posts recently over Christmas. I have been so busy!

Christmas

What a wonderful Christmas :-) I love the build up of Christmas but once boxing day has commenced I want to have a spring clean and put all the decorations down so that's exactly what I did today. The house is lovely and clean and I have been doing some baking too out of my new baking book. I made this Battenburg cake with marzipan round it yum yum! I haven't purged since Christmas eve but I have been eating too much so will be restricting soon. Just trying to enjoy myself whilst I am not so obsessed and being happy x

Finished My Christmas Shopping - Phew

Ahhhh I can relax I have finished all my Christmas shopping....well at least 'try' because I am pretty stressed out. I get stressed at Christmas because you have lots of family things to attend and you have to be well and happy and I worry family are going to judge me.

On a positive I brought some nice things for myself today. I brought a beautiful Christmas red dress and some silk ballet shoes :-)

I have a confession to make to everyone....

I have a confession to make....

I am a obese bulimia suffer and I haven't admitted it apart from to Nina of the Night because I have been worried that I will be judged and not be able to be part of this lovely community. I put on all my weight due to a abusive relationship, a nervous breakdown and a lot of medication for my BPD. I went up to 196lbs (eeeeek can not believe I have actually admitted this now) but I am now 176lbs so I am getting back down to the weight I was. I hope nobody judges me, eating disorders can effect anyone and any shape of size yet I can't quite accept this hence my delay getting therapy and being worried about going to the self help group and eating disorder assessment next month. Do you think they will still help me?

I have binged and been sick so many times today I have lost count and my throat hurts like hell.
I am kind of fed up with it today :( I just want to stop, its so frustrating. I find I am worse when I am left by myself too.

Blood

Today I have been feeling a lot better. I have felt more with it and not psychotic. I haven't wanted to hurt myself so many times either.
I had a problem this evening, I went to be sick and my body just rejected it. Nothing would come out and my throat hurt so much. Blood splashed in the toilet and I felt scared. My lips cracked and sore too.

Tears, Therapy and Tablets

I am struggling to write tonight so please excuse any mistakes and muddles.

My brain feels like its dying and unable to function.

I feel so alone in this world. I have so many people around me that love me but no one understands. 

I had therapy today and for the first time tears ran down my face.

My head is telling me to do so many dangerous things but I have been keeping safe with my mummy and my boyfriend.

I just want a cuddle, I want to be a little girl again; hold me in their arms and tell me everything will be okay and protect me from the world.

Poorly Sick

I am so hungry yet the voices in my head won't let me eat
I didn't want to purge but the voices in my head told me to
I feel very poorly today, I feel psychotic, derealization and kinda spaced out.
I went to mummy's and did my beads again. I made a pansy flower which was nice :) Therapy tomorrow, I hope that helps and I hope tomorrow is a better day

Awful Evening

I had such a good day yesterday, it was such a lovely day. Then within the space of about a hour in the evening things started to change. I felt so sad, I wanted to take a overdose and I haven't felt like that in a long long time. I was hearing things, very psychotic and depressed. I had no feelings, I was just totally numb. I took some pericyazine and now I have woken up and I feel really strange and I cannot see properly. I think I have a medication hangover.

Mummy is worried about me so I am going over there today to keep safe and I have packed up my new book and some beads. I made a little mouse last night as my first attempt. Its cute :)

Yay my book arrived!

I brought a new book the other day and it arrived in the post.
Its so cute, you can make little charms and bits out of beads. I am so looking forward to having a go :-) I liked the look of the butterflies and the little battenburg cakes hehe.



Just been into town with my mummy, feel quite upbeat today :) I also brought lots of fruit and vegetables from the supermarket, my bunny some new treats from the pet store, some incense oil from the spiritual shop and a magazine called 'Homemaker' which is brilliant. Its all about being a house mouse (baking, interiors etc) but has lots of crafty ideas and projects and had free card making papers too. It was quite pricey though.

So far I have had breakfast - cereal and a orange juice and for lunch a cheese scone when me and mummy went in the little tea shop. Bit peckish but I may make myself a fruit smoothie this afternoon and for tea I am making ricotta and spinach cannelloni nom  nom

Pub

Had a nice day today with my boyfriend. We went into some pubs in town and played pool and darts. I am totally useless. Obviously my boyfriend won every game! I drank diet coke all night too so was a good girl but I did have some chips on the way home however didn't eat the whole portion. We also brought New Years Eve tickets at our local pub too which I am looking forward to.

Same number appears on the scales every morning at the moment. Its frustrating! I just want a new number....obviously not a bigger one. Got weight watchers on Wednesday too and I SO want to loose this week. Fingers crossed! I might have two days of eating fruit, vegetables, smoothies and salad.

Sweety Jewellery

I have been having fun with polymer clay again and today I made these little jars of liquorice allsorts necklaces.  I am going to sell them :-) What do you girls think? x

:(

My boyfriend just left to go to work and I rushed to the cupboards. I could not stop eating, its like its addictive. I then rushed to the toilet and purged until the calmness and dizziness rushes through me.

I am now sitting here feeling a mixture of emotions - guilt, a failure but also calmness and contentment.

I am joining a group in the new year from a eating disorder charity. I am quite nervous about the journey I am making to recovery. Am I really ready? Or will I never be ready though?

So today's healthy, sensible, no binge, no purge day!

I am going to log what I eat today so I am not tempted to binge and I promise I won't be sick today :)

Breakfast: Honey nut cornflakes (179), semi skimmed milk (25) and sweetener (4)

Lunch: Homemade smoothie with banana and strawberries (243) , fat free bio strawberry yoghurt (89) and orange juice (84) and a small baguette with butter (150)

Afternoon snack: Homemade rice pudding (94) and strawberry jam (50)

Dinner: Egg (92) and toast (109) glass of orange juice (84)

Total so far = 1203

How I am feeling: - I NEED to be sick. I feel shit. The voice in my head is chanting. It wants me to do what I am told :-(

Thank you :)

Just wanted to say thank you to all my followers and all the comments I get. I really appreciate it :)

Today is a new day and I have just had breakfast cereal and today is going to be a good day. No binging, no purging just eating sensibly and healthily. I need to do this for me...

Fed up with being fat

I have had enough.
I have had enough of being fat.
I have had enough of restricting.
I have had enough of binging.
I have had enough of purging.
I am fed up with my lips stinging from being sick and my throat throbbing.
I just want to be perfect :(

Appointments Appointments Appointments

...Firstly I have a mental health appointment this morning. I have decided a few weeks ago to wean myself off one of my medications (the anti-depressant) and I will be honest I feel dreadful. Flu-y, dizzy and really emotional! I had enough of taking so many medications and knew I couldn't come off the anti-psychotic so thought the anti-depressant one had to give. Anyway its going to be fun explaining this to the doctor and link worker this morning - hmmmm

Secondary I did phone the eating disorder clinic. I have a appointment in the new year....a two hour assessment!! I have bulimia but I am overweight and I am worried I wont qualify for any help because I aren't thin enough. My boyfriend thinks its a silly thought as people come in all shapes and sizes and eating disorders can effect anyone but.....I just still have this thought in my head.

Bulimia Poem - THE TRUTH

Its a cycle you can't escape
It all happened age 13 - after the rape

Chanting fills my head and guilt and disgrace
Its degrading when the sick splashes back in your face

Pushing vomit down the shower plug with your toes
Running the taps so nobody knows

Hiding vomit in lunch boxes under your bed
Hoping the pounds will quickly shred

Dirty public toilets degrade you
Your teeth are chipped and see-through

Wetting yourself when your throwing up
The corners of your lips are sore and cut

All that money on food wasted
The food that was never really tasted

You hate this eating disorder, yet you love it so much
Its the only way to cope, its your only clutch

So the Eating Disorder Clinic sent me a letter

The NHS Eating Disorder clinic sent me a letter but I haven't changed my address with my doctors surgery so it went to my parents address and my mum opened it!! She is so nosey its untrue!

Luckily she said I was being sensible about it all and didn't seem concerned at all. I think with my history of self harm, depression, suicidal attempts etc its the least of her worries.

Anyway I have to ring them and make a assessment appointment.....hmmm the question is, I have a love and hate relationship with my eating disorder, do I actually want to get help?

My Boyfriend Came Home :)

...and it was amazing.
I have never loved anyone as much as I love him and he was really lovey duvey too and said he missed me so much.
Since he has come home, I haven't been overly good on my diet. I cooked a pie tonight with roast potatoes and vegetables :/ I need to get back into things and be more motivated. I have just been so content I have forgotten what I am putting in my mouth.

Yipee!

I lost 2lbs at Weight Watchers tonight and got my 5% loss of my body weight award. I am so proud.

My boyfriend is coming home tomorrow too! I am so excited. I am going to tidy the house and make everything really nice, light some candles and make it all homely. I am also going to scrub up and put some makeup on and do my hair :)

I miss him!

I have been sick so much today. My throat hurts, my eyes are watery and my head hurts. I feel depressed today too and feel numb inside.

My boyfriend has gone to work away this week and I didn't realise how much he makes me happy and keeps me stable.

I hate my borderline personality disorder. It controls me when I am alone.

LIEBSTER BLOG AWARD

Firstly I would like to say THANK YOU so much everyone who has nominated me for this award but I just don't understand it....Ha Ha

What exactly do I have to do? and no one get moody with me but do I have to do it because it all sounds a bit of a faff! hehehe

Lost

I have lost a pound already on my new diet :) I will be honest, I did over a bit yesterday on my calorie allowance because fruit and veg was making my tummy feel all funny and had to eat something substantial so I had some crackers and a mini pitta bread. I am on 250 calories today plus unlimited fruit and veg. I arent sure how I am going to manage but I am going to try my hardest. 

Loopy Lucie's New Diet - Join Me?

So it's a new day and a new start to shift some pounds before Christmas.

I wanted to do the ABC diet but realistically I wouldn't be able to do it on so little calories and end up binging and purging so I have developed my own diet. The calories will be for things like pasta to bulk up the unlimited fruit and veg. This diet will only be for a week as a detox only! Detox's are usually only fruit and veg but realistically we all need some protein/carbs to function.

Day One - 500 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Two - 250 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg  at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Three - 0 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Four - 500 calories + unlimited fruit + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Five - 250 calories + unlimited fruit  + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Six - 0 calories  + unlimited fruit  + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet
Day Seven - 500 calories + unlimited fruit  + unlimited veg  + at least 8 glasses of water + vitamin tablet

Would anyone like to join me? I will update my progress daily :) x

Sorry :/

Hello and firstly I am sorry I haven't blogged for a while. I am back though :)
I haven't really eaten well recently. I went out last night and drank loads of cocktails which are hundreds of calories!! I need to get focused and motivated again starting tomorrow. My boyfriend is going away for a few days so I can really focus being on my own although I am going to miss him a lot. I had a rubbish day yesterday, went shopping for a dress and couldn't find anything that looked nice. I cried on the way home and to make things worse I saw my boyfriends ex girlfriend for the first time and she was so thin. I feel disgusting.
I have Weight Watchers on Wednesday and I have put on a few pounds so need to get back the same or less before weigh in. Anyone got any good diets for quick weight loss?

Help

I took the plunge and went to the doctors and asked for help for my eating disorder.
I have Borderline Personality Disorder and usually every time I seek help I get told its part of the disorder but for once a doctor listened to me and has referred me to the community eating disorders team.
I am nervous...

Its SO windy

Wow its windy, like stupidly windy. The weird man next door, hedge has completely gone down. I don't know what he is going to do about it because he stays indoors and has the curtains shut all the time. I can not imagine him venturing out. 

Well after yesterdays binge I have lost a pound - madness. It has spurred me on to make today a good day. I have Weight Watchers on Wednesday and my Gran is cooking us a meal at lunch time. I don't usually eat on Wednesdays so I need to be extra good from now till then so it doesn't reflect on the scales. 

Rah Rah Rah - Rant

I am such a fat fuck!
I mean since I have posted I have eaten a pitta bread and another bread muffin with jam. I am so angry with myself.
Food seems to play on my mind all the time especially when I am bored.
I've truely had enough with myself. No wonder why I look so disgusting!
Last week I didn't eat hardly anything, fainted whilst shopping because I had so little energy. Where as this week I have eaten everything!!
I need some motivation....anyone got any ideas?

Unplanned Day

I haven't really had the day I was expecting...
I had a reasonable breakfast - a breakfast muffin with marmalade
For lunch we took my boyfriends little brother for a carvery. I chose not to have any meat, I had a plate of vegetables but that included 3 roast potatoes, 2 massive yorkshire puddings and vegetable gravy. For afters we stopped at Mc Donald's and I had the KitKat Mc Flurry.
I am not going to eat dinner but I have certainly had more calories then I planned today. Does anyone know roughly how many?

It's a NEW day!

Morning followers :) Yes! Its a new day and you can make it a perfect day. I am quite excited because I have promised myself not to binge or purge but to have a good day.

I got on the scales this morning and I am the same, so yesterday didn't do too much damage.

Thank you for all your comments yesterday, you have inspired me to start again today :D xx

I want to be like you...

Binge

I am so angry with myself. I want to be sick but I can't without my boyfriend hearing so I am laying in bed sulking that I have had a shit day.

I have eaten:-

Breakfast - 2 bits of toast and butter
Lunch - A ice lolly
Dinner - Cheese pasta with roasted vegetables, 2 slices of bread
Snacks - Half a big bar of Galaxy chocolate, pitta bread with butter, half a bag of sweets and loads of Ritz crackers

Ugh...

Procrastination

I am seriously procrastinating over my university degree coursework. I SO do not want to do it! I am SO going to fail at this rate. Instead of doing it, I stress and worry about it and then I punish myself with my eating disorder and then struggle with my mental health. Its stupid really.

Eggs

...So I went to Weight Watchers last night and I didn't gain or loose, just stayed the same weight. I felt really sick afterwards and made myself sick when I got home. It really upset my boyfriend and I promised him I would try harder today.

This morning I had a egg on toast which was yummy and then we went to a local pub and I had a pasta dish and then we walked on the beach. It was lovely, holding hands on the beach always reminds me how much I love my boyfriend and I really want to make him proud so I haven't been sick after my food, although I feel very full and bloaty.

Tummy Feels Lovely

Haven't been sick today and to be honest my tummy feels so much better since I haven't the last 48 hours. I have no headache, no tummy ache and I am quite happy today. I have realised that if I just restrict on what I eat I don't have to be sick so much because I won't feel such a fat fuck.

Bit nervous today because I have weight watchers tonight and I am worried that the scales will not reflect the pain I have been through this week. I really hope I loose...

Collasped and Sick of being Sick

I am so sick of being sick. I fainted in the chemist in the local shopping mall. I was taken in a first aid room and asked a billion questions about my food habits. Eventually when I got picked up by my boyfriend he was really upset with me for being sick so much today. We  had a bit of a argument but then he came round and was really nice and we sat and ate together, little bits at a time. I felt so safe and for the first time not alone. I really needed it.

I am so tired, stressed out from my degree and run down. My throat hurts from purging and my glands are up. I feel headachey, dizzy and to be honest dreadful all to then see somehow I have gained a pound on the scales!!?? I give up, I wish I wasn't such a fat fuck yet I cant bring myself to throw up today because I am in so much pain and I don't want to upset the boyfriend because I love him so much.

Bulimia

...So I opened up and told my boyfriend that I have actually been suffering from a eating disorder for about 8 years but it has got worse recently. It was probably one of the hardest things to do. Admitting it to someone has kind of made me admit it to myself.

Yesterday I did really well. I didn't purge all day and we went out for a meal but I felt content and strangely safe so felt no need to be sick. It was quite an achievement. Today is a different story....I have eaten too much, I feel guilty about it all and disgusting. I think in reality I just want a cuddle and told everything will be okay but instead I know I will end up punishing myself. I want to have lost weight on Wednesday for Weight Watchers so I need to get back on track too.

LOVE and HATE

My mental health issues are my best friend and my worst enemy. I have a love hate relationship with it.

I hate the days when you can't open your eyes in the morning, when it hurts inside and when it feels like someone has died. You feel lost, scared and worst of all...alone. When the razor blade becomes your best friend and you block anyone else coming into your world.

I love the days when I am really happy, the happiness you can't get when your 'normal'. I always bake a cake, tidy the house and stay up all night....although since I have been put on mood stabilisers they seem to block these days. These days my medication keeps me at a steady place but its not a great one. I aren't happy, I aren't REALLY sad but I am sad. Most days.

Although a therapist once asked me if I had one wish would I use it to become 'normal'. Yet as bad as the bad days are...I would have to say no. The voices are my friends, I can't imagine a head which was blank. The depression is my secret and the anxiety makes me feel alive. I think having Borderline Personality Disorder makes me different.

Down In The Dumps

I have been feeling down in the dumps for a few weeks now. Its so hard just to get dressed and just get up in the mornings. I managed to do some washing and cook a stew and dumplings for my boyfriend this evening. I don't think he realises how much I struggle to do simple things, I think he prob thinks I am lazy. I really cannot help it though, every night I tell myself to try harder but I seem to fail daily. I am going to up some of my medication tomorrow, was told to do it ages ago but haven't wanted to.

Must Keep Control

I hate winter, it makes me want to eat more. It also makes me sad and makes everything a struggle to do.

 I am determined to not eat so much this week and hope for a 2lb weight loss at Weight Watchers on Wednesday.I must keep controlled!

Numbness

Feeling a bit numb today. My boyfriend asked how I was feeling but I didn't want to burden him with all my problems. Just feel a bit depressed and lack of emotion and empathy. Might see how I am tomorrow and up my antidepressant if needed.

Lost two pounds at Weight Watchers last night, rather happy about that. I really want to loose another 2 pounds for next week, then I get my shinny 7 sticker for a half a stone so far.

Borderline Personality Disorder

Everyone thinks I am all better, the cuts have gone, the tears have stopped and the depression is a distant memory

What everyone doesn't realize is that I still have Borderline Personality Disorder...

I am just an expert at hiding it...